


our park by night

by acejasongrace



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, also swearing, but what else did you expect from connor, just weed tho, probably a bit ooc? or idk, slowish burn i guess, your standard deh fic with mediocre writing and little plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-01 07:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14515710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acejasongrace/pseuds/acejasongrace
Summary: Connor Murphy stumbles into the orchard, telling himself that he's ready to die.Evan Hansen is the last person he expected to see tonight.





	1. Chapter 1

Connor Murphy is ready to die.

At least that’s what he tells himself as he enters the orchard, a joint between his fingers and a lighter in his hand. The sky is dark pigeon grey, and the trees around him feel threatening, but at the same time, oddly comforting. For a while Connor almost feels like a little kid playing hide and seek, like the trees are hiding him from something.

He takes a long drag of his joint. Maybe it’s because he’s about to die, or maybe it’s because he can already feel himself relaxing and his head numbing pleasantly, but he feels strangely nostalgic. He remembers when the orchard wasn’t abandoned, when he still used to come there with his family every weekend. He remembers how he and Zoe used to play tag in the park, and how they usually brought a kite with them. He also remembers how he gave Zoe his ice cream when Zoe accidentally dropped hers.

Even though the memories are happy, Connor doesn’t smile. If possible, he feels worse now. Not that it really matters.

He hasn’t come to this park in a long time to do something else than smoke weed or hide from his parents.

It’s kind of pathetic.

Connor is kind of pathetic.

He doesn’t hate Zoe. He never has, not really. Connor dislikes her, but he dislikes everyone. Sure, Connor avoids her. He avoids her whenever he can. But it’s not because Connor hates her, it’s quite the opposite, actually; that way he can’t blow up at her. He knows it won’t save the fragile friendship they still have left. There have been too many threats gone too far, too many insults that have been just a little too much, and too many fights for the situation to magically fix itself. And Connor knows he can’t fix it, and so he lets it be. But being the person he is, simply avoiding her isn’t the solution. 

Sometimes Zoe says something at the wrong time, or she just accidentally gets in Connor’s way, and he gets mad. But their relationship, despite being terrible, isn’t always that bad; maybe Connor compliments her guitar playing in a strained voice, or maybe Zoe tells some bullies at school to fuck off. Maybe Zoe quietly says his nail polish looks good when Larry tries to argue about it, or maybe Connor hesitantly checks up on Zoe when their parents are fighting downstairs.

(They’re always fighting about him).

It’s not getting better, but it’s not getting significantly worse either. He has told Zoe he was sorry. Of course he has. But not in a long time, and since he continues breaking the promises and ignoring the apologies, there’s no way they could one day actually be friends again. Connor sighs.

He doesn’t know how long he has stood there, thinking about his shitty life. Maybe he should have left a note after all. Maybe it would’ve made it easier.

He didn’t though, and he knows exactly why: it doesn’t matter. Connor doesn’t matter.

He looks around him, and then he remembers the small open place in the middle of the orchard, the only part of the park that doesn’t look like it’s been abandoned for years. Connor decides to go there. He vaguely remembers a tall tree, probably the tallest tree in the orchard, and the small bushes covering the roots, creating a surprisingly comfortable place to sit at.

Connor feels a sting at his heart as he remembers the way he used to read under the tree.

Now he just occasionally gets high under that very same tree, feeling his phone buzz with angry (and, in his mom’s case, even worried) texts from his family, telling him to get home.

He never reads the texts.  
When he gets there, it’s already darker. It isn’t pitch black, he can still see his hands, but it’s definitely taking some time to adjust his eyes in the darkness. It’s pretty cold as well, and Connor shivers in his hoodie.

He notices a figure sitting under the tree. Connor huffs in anger. Of course some fucking homeless junkie would ruin his plan.

Connor hears sniffling, and then the figure seems to notice him too.

”C-Connor?”

Well, shit.

Evan fucking Hansen. Why not. Not only did he have to write a creepy letter about his sister to make his terrible day even worse, but he had to be here too. Apparently he just had to try and make Connor’s day worse in every possible way.

”Fuck off, Hansen”, Connor mutters. His voice sounds raspy, and he cringes internally.

Evan stares at him. Connor stares back. 

”Didn’t I tell you to fuck off?” Connor asks, not sounding that angry. He sounds exhausted, kind of sad, maybe guilty. Evan blinks once, twice.

”I’m- I’m not going anywhere”

Connor shrugs. Whatever. This is Evan Hansen, the kid who can’t give a talk in front of the class without bursting into tears and having a panic attack in the bathroom stalls. Evan Hansen, who might be the only other loser in the school that isn’t more popular Connor.

And Connor is not popular.

He sits into the ground, right next to Evan. It has got to be at least 11 PM, maybe even later, and Evan will probably go home at some point. Connor will just have to wait.

Evan winces slightly, but he doesn’t move. Connor doesn’t spare another look on him. Surely he’ll leave soon. Not too many people would want to sit next to a high Connor Murphy on a Monday night.

The thing is, that Evan doesn’t leave. He doesn’t move. Connor is pretty damn sure he isn’t even breathing, because it’s quiet. Too quiet. It gives him time to think.

A part of him doesn’t want Evan to go. Because in some twisted, funny way, he’s the only thing stopping Connor right now. Connor may be ready to die, but he doesn’t really want to. No one really does. What they need is a way out, and sometimes death is the only option. Connor digs his fingers into the grass, tearing it with his hands.

Everyone hates him, even his own family. Especially his family. Zoe he understands; Connor has acted like a dick towards her. It would make him concerned about her judgment skills if she just suddenly forgave him. And Larry, fucking Larry, has hated him ever since the moment he realized that Connor didn’t fit in his picture perfect picket fence life.

His mom might just be the only person who doesn’t hate him. But she looks at Connor with pity and disappointment in her eyes. She looks scared. Scared of Connor or scared for Connor, that he doesn’t know. Probably both.

Maybe he should’ve told his family he was going out. In some way, Connor wants that someone would’ve said no, for someone to unconsciously save him. To tell him that he couldn’t go, that dinner’s soon, and they’re having some shitty vegan lasagna his mom prepared for them. He would have probably gotten mad, yelled and screamed at everyone, and then went back to his room. But he wouldn’t have done anything stupid.

Or maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference. Maybe he would’ve ran away from his window. Maybe Zoe would have had to find his body slumped on the floor the next morning. Who knows.

Apparently Evan sees it as a good time to interrupt his thoughts. He fidgets with the hem of his shirt, looking hesitant.

”Sorry”, he blurts out.

What.

”Sorry for what, exactly?” Connor snaps.

Evan suddenly seems to find the ground very interesting. ”W-well, you know? For the, the letter? No one was supposed to see it. I- I wrote it for therapy. I wasn’t trying to make you freak out. But you did? I u-understand why, though. I probably would have gotten mad too? I’mreallyreallysorry”

Connor’s eyes widen. He feels a little taken aback, not really sure why. Maybe because Connor had pushed Evan earlier that day, and in an attempt to apologize, gotten angry again and stormed off with some private letter.

And now Evan’s apologizing to him. Okay, maybe he still paranoidly thought that Evan had written the letter because he wanted to see Connor freak out, but now he isn’t really that angry about it anymore.

There’s an awkward silence. During that Connor can hear the letter crinkling in his pocket, and he considers giving it back.

”And, and I think your hair is nice. N-not that it wouldn’t be if it was shorter, but you know, uh, Jared’s kind of an asshole? And he shouldn’t mock you. I’m sorry about that too. You’re not a freak e-either”, Evan practically yells. He’s talking like the words are burning and he needs to get them out.

”Uhh, thanks?” Connor says, rising his right eyebrow. Evan is blushing violently, his face a bright red.

”Sorry”, the blond mutters again. He apologizes a lot.

”What was that letter even about?” asks Connor.

Evan tugs at his hair. ”I a-already said it was for therapy. It’s like, like, I have to write these letters why today is going to be a good day. But I don’t really have good days?” he mumbles. ”So, umm, yeah?

”So you decided to write a creepy ass sex letter about my sister?” Connor replies dryly, feeling anger twist his stomach. Evan shakes his head and blushes even harder. 

Connor just rolls his eyes. ”So you like my sister?”

Evan takes a few rapid breaths. ”N-no. I don’t think so? I used to, but I’m not sure a-anymore”, he stammers out.

”Good. She’s a bitch”, states Connor.

Evan lets out a small oh, and turns his gaze back to the ground. ”Did you… did you show it to anyone?” he whispers, sounding scared.

Connor chuckles bitterly. ”I don’t exactly have friends to show it to”

Evan smiles. Just a little. Connor doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he’s reaching for the letter in his pocket. It’s a little wrinkled, but Evan doesn’t seem to mind, at least judging from the way he visibly relaxes.

Handing over the letter silently, Connor thinks about it. He has read the letter over and over, until to the point where he can probably remember it by heart. 

”That letter isn’t exactly telling why today is going to be a good day”, Connor says, matter of factly. 

”I know”, Evan replies sheepishly, but his eyes look sad. Then he shoots Connor a questioning look and continues. ”W-why are you here anyways?”

Connor stares at Evan for a while. Then he blinks. ”I came here to smoke”, he states simply. It isn’t exactly a lie.

Evan’s mouth turns into a quick grin. ”Yeah, you, uhh, kinda l-look like it”

So do you, Connor almost says, but he swallows the words down. It’s clear Evan’s eyes aren’t red because of weed.

Instead, he says something else. ”What are you here for?”

Evan sits up a little straighter. ”I… came for a walk. So. Yeah”, he says, but he sounds unsure. 

Connor snorts. ”This late? Don’t your parents get worried when you’re not in bed by nine?” he jokes.

Evan shakes his head a little. ”N-no, they don’t. My mom works a lot and she’s not really home that often? She probably won’t even notice when I don’t get home”

Connor notices the way he said when, not if, but he shakes it off of his mind. It probably isn’t anything.

”And your dad?”

Evan clenches his jaw, lifting his chin slightly. ”Haven’t seen him in years”

”Shit, I’m sorry”, Connor mutters. Evan nods, as if to say it’s fine.

”My dad’s kind of a dick too”

Evan glances over at Connor, almost like he’s expecting him to continue.

”He really hates me. Whenever I… do something stupid he says it’s because I want attention. Which is probably true, but he’s an asshole. He refuses to get me help even when I ask for it, and then blames me for not magically fixing everything myself”, Connor spits out, his words getting angrier the longer he keeps talking. ”I’m the one ruining his perfect family. I’m a disappointment, but he just doesn’t want people to know that. Too bad that people already know”

”I’m sorry”

”What the fuck are you sorry for? It’s not like it’s your fault that I’m a freak”, Connor growls. Evan flinches slightly, but keeps on looking at Connor with a sad expression.

”Y-yeah, but you don’t deserve it”

Connor sucks in a sharp breath. Does he deserve it? Definitely. But has anyone ever said that he doesn’t to him? No. 

”And you’re not a freak”, he says firmly, for a second time that day.

Connor looks at him with a shocked expression plastered on his face. He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to cry. He wants to run away, because what the hell is he doing in an abandoned orchard, pouring half of his soul out to a stranger? He wants to scream, because out of all people Evan Hansen is the only thing stopping him from doing anything. And he isn’t even doing it consciousnessly. All he had to do was be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

”Why are you being so nice to me?” Connor asks quietly.

It isn’t like he still doesn’t want to die. He does. Maybe it’s because Connor has calmed down a bit, or that he has had time to think, but he isn’t going to die today. Because Connor is so desperate that something so insignificant like this can make him give up.

Or maybe he isn’t giving up. Maybe it means there’s still hope. Maybe he won’t die tomorrow either. Or next week.

Evan shrugs, smiling. ”Why are you being n-nice?”

The question catches Connor off guard. Why is he? Maybe because he’s high. Or maybe because Evan is the only person in a while who doesn’t look at him with either disappointment, fear, or pity in his eyes. He just looks at Connor with a sad expression. Like he relates to Connor, or at least understands him. Evan just looks happy that he’s talking to someone.

”I don’t know”, Connor says, for once not lying. 

”That’s my answer, too”

Evan seems so much… calmer. He isn’t stuttering and rambling nearly as much as usually. He’s smiling, but it’s a rather sad, slight smile instead of his usual nervous smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

”You’re not stuttering that much anymore”, announces Connor. 

”Y-yeah. School, or just people in general, make me r-really anxious”, Evan says with a sigh. Connor notices the way he immediately starts stuttering more when he mentions about it.

”So you’re not anxious right now?”

”N-not really? Not more than usually, at least”

”Maybe you should be”

Evan stares at Connor, a confused expression on his face. ”Why?”

Connor raises his eyebrows. ”You’re hanging out with the school shooter in an abandoned park. It’s pretty late. Aren’t you worried I’m going to like, kill you?” he jokes, but the venom in his voice is clear.

Evan shakes his head. ”Not exatly w-worried about dying right now”, he says, and then blushes, his eyes wide, as he realizes what he just said. Connor cracks a crooked smile, deciding to ignore the comment.

Instead, he opens his mouth, suddenly remembering something. ”What do you like?” he asks. It’s a bad idea, and he knows it.

Evan flushes red. ”Trees?” he says, not sounding sure.

”You like trees?” Connor snorts, carefully taking the sharpie out of the pocket. He freezes when he hears the rattle of the pills, loud and clear. However, Evan doesn’t seem to notice. At least his expression doesn’t change. 

Connor reaches out for Evan’s arm, maybe a little too rough, because Evan lets out a small, pained noise. Connor mutters a quick apology, and begins to scribble on the other boy’s cast.

”Who the fuck likes trees?” Connor chuckles, but there’s no bite behind the words. Evan looks a little flustered.

”I just like nature? And t-trees are pretty cool?” Evan squaks out, as Connor finishes the doodle of a tree.

”What kind of tree is this?” Connor asks, pointing at the branches hovering above them. He draws a small Evan under the doodle of the tree.

”A holly tree”, Evan whispers. Now there’s a small Connor on the cast as well. ”You’re actually good at drawing”, he continues.

Connor can feel his cheeks heat up. ”I’m really not, but thanks, I guess”

”You are”

After that, they fall into a comfortable silence. Connor doesn’t know how long they just sit there, staring at nothing, breathing in the fresh air that makes Connor feels a little giddy, because the flowers make it sweet. 

”You know”, Connor breathes out. ”I came here to kill myself”

He regrets it almost immediately. He doesn’t know why he said it; it just sort of slipped off his tongue. But there is nothing to do anymore, he said the words already. 

But at the same time, Connor doesn’t really care.

Evan lets out a noise too sad and bitter to be a laugh. ”Guess we’re more alike than I thought”, he murmurs in a small voice.

Connor laughs, somewhat hysterically. He stands up quietly.

”I’m going home”

”Oh”, Evan says, a look of disappointment flashing in his face. 

”Do you need a ride?”

Evan licks his lips nervously. He doesn’t answer.

Connor sighs. ”Look, you fucking stopped me from doing anything stupid. You gave me time to reconsider everything. Life is fucking terrible, but some days can be tolerable. I’m not kicking the bucket just yet, and so aren’t you”, he says, coming off a little harsher than he had meant. Evan looks shocked.

Connor offers Evan his hand. Evan takes it after a while, a little hesitantly, and Connor pulls him up.

”Um, thank you”, Evan whispers.

”You’re welcome”

 

The walk back to Connor’s car is silent, and it actually takes a moment for them to get to it, because Connor can’t really remember where he left it.

When they get there, Connor also noticed the small dent on the door at the driver’s side. Shit.

”C-cool car”, Evan stutters, obviously saying something to shatter the silence.

Connor shrughs. ”Yeah, my parents are like, filthy rich”, he explains, getting on the front seat. Evan stands outside, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He looks nervous.

”Look, just get in the car Hansen, I don’t have all day”, Connor sighs. Evan plops down next to him, mumbling an apology.

”Where do you live?”

”I, um, Scott Street?”

Connor nods. Neither of them speak again.

He wonders how this will affect their lives. Maybe they’ll become friends, or maybe they’ll get back to mostly ignoring each other unless Connor decides to get mad at him. Maybe they’ll nod at each other when they pass in the hallway, or remain like this, only hanging out with each other in the middle of the night when one of them is high and both are about to kill themselves.

Connor smirks. Maybe they’ll do group projects together, knowing that that way Connor won’t have to do any of the work, and Evan won’t have to talk to anyone. Maybe they’ll be forced to attend the other’s funeral, or maybe they’ll see each other in ten years in a grocery shop, and smile at each other as if to say hey, you remember that time years ago when I kind of stopped you from killing yourself? How’s life now?

Connor doesn’t know. He wants to.

”I’d notice”, he says slowly.

”What?” the confusion in Evan’s voice is clear.

”You wrote in your letter that no one would notice if you disappeared. I, I would”, Connor says quietly.

Evan smiles. ”Really?” he asks, and there’s something in his eyes, something that looks like hope.

Connor nods.

”Y-you said that we could pretend to, um, be friends? Well, we don’t have to pretend?” Evan stutters, seemingly wanting to get the words out. ”Y-yeah. I’d like to be friends”, he finally decides.

Connor tilts his head backwards. It’s not a good idea, in fact, it’s a terrible idea. He can already imagine so many scenarios in his head.

Evan happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Connor lashes out. 

Connor gets mad over something stupid. Maybe he’ll push Evan again. Who knows?

Connor snaps or says something insensitive. Accidentally or not, Evan would get hurt.

Nothing bad actually happens, but Evan suddenly realizes what a fuck up Connor is, always has been, and doesn’t want to be his friend anymore.

Connor blinks, taking in a deep breath. He’s already done three of those things, and Evan is still here. 

”I’m not exactly easy to be friends with”

Evan looks at him with an expression that almost says no shit, dumbass, but he smiles. ”I’m not that easy to be friends with either”

”You don’t lash out at people on a regular basis. You don’t yell and scream at others because you happen to have a shit day. I’m not a good person to be friends with”, Connor snaps.

”You- you haven’t done any of those things this evening”

”Yeah, because I’m high off my ass and there aren’t too much other people around”, the taller boy says in a cold tone. Evan doesn’t reply.

”Look”, Connor sighs. ”School really puts me on edge. If you were to talk me on a bad day, it wouldn’t end pretty. Today wasn’t even as bad as it could’ve been”

”We don’t have to hang out at school when you’re feeling like that”, Evan insists in a small voice.

”What a shitty fucking friend would I be for you to have to avoid me on certain days because I can’t even hold a conversation without blowing up”

Evan looks at him. He looks annoyed, maybe even angry now. ”You can’t just keep p-pushing people away”, he says sharply. The car feels too quiet.

”Okay”, Connor huffs out in anger.

”Okay?”

”Let’s fucking be friends then”. Connor slams his hands on the steering wheel. Evan winces, but looks oddly relieved.

”Cool”

”Cool”

The rest of the drive is silent, until Connor stops in front of a small house painted blue. ”This your house?” he says with a sigh. The words don’t come off as a question, but Evan nods, getting up. Before he has time to put his hand on the door handle, Connor opens his mouth.

”Sorry”

Evan turns around. ”For what?” he smiles.

Connor shrugs. ”For everything?”

Evan rolls his eyes. ”I- I thought apologizing was my thing”, he jokes weakly. Connor smiles shortly. The other boy gets out of the car.

”Bye Connor”

”Bye Evan”, says Connor, and absent mindedly raises his right hand from the steering wheel in some weird wave.

”Take care”, and with that, Evan is gone. 

Connor sits there silently for a while, until he starts the car again, turning around. He looks at the clock. It’s almost 2 AM.

He has a weird feeling at the bottom of his stomach. Maybe it’s the way that Evan said those words, like he actually cares about him. Like he actually wants Connor to be okay.

It’s been one hell of a night.

He doesn’t know what’s going to happen. He hopes that maybe he could for once have someone genuinely caring about him. Someone who wouldn’t look at Connor like he was the ticking time bomb he is.

Maybe, for once, Connor isn’t going to fuck it up.

He feels sort of hazy, driving back home and sneaking up the stairs in a terrible attempt to not wake everyone up. He’s pretty sure he can hear Zoe stirring in her bed, but she doesn’t come out of her room.

Connor feels even more hazy, collapsing on his bed. He doesn’t bother changing his clothes. Connor doesn’t exactly feel tired, quite the opposite really, he feels ecstatic. He could run a fucking marathon right now. His head feels pleasantly empty, pleasantly numb. He hasn’t been this peaceful in days.

Connor Murphy wants to die. That’s what he tells himself as he stares at the ceiling for an hour after an hour. But he isn’t ready to die. Not anymore, not right now.

He can still hear Evan’s words buzzing in his ears, along with Zoe’s soft snoring from the other side of wall.

Maybe, just maybe it isn’t too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're sitting under a holly tree because it represents overcoming of anger and i'm deep like that
> 
> leave a comment and i'll probably cry from happiness


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning Evan wakes up tired. Or maybe tired is an understatement, because Evan is exhausted, both mentally and physically.

There’s no way he slept more than four hours. He remembers getting home at around two in the morning, stumbling through the front door into his bedroom, and collapsing onto his bed before falling asleep. He’s still wearing the shirt from yesterday, but at least he had had the decency to kick the jeans onto the floor.

He feels gross. With a sigh, Evan gets out of the bed and makes his way to the bathroom to take a quick shower. He ends up staring at the floor for almost twenty minutes while the water that’s hitting his back turns cold.

He had hoped a shower would make him feel more energetic and clear out his mind, but he’s still dead tired with a killer head ache. He presses his thumbs against his temples as he walks downstairs, fully clothed and clean, but still feeling like hell. Evan winces at the sun shining through the windows. Yep. He definitely has to take some pain killers.

Evan is in the middle of washing the pills down with a glass of water, when he hears the door open. Then the door is shut with a slam, and Evan can practically feel his brains exploding.

”Hey honey”, Heidi says with a tired voice, walking into the kitchen. Despite her clear exhaustion, she’s smiling. The smile fades a little bit when she sees the pills on the table.

”Do you have a head ache again?” she asks, sounding worried. Evan doesn’t respond. 

Heidi frowns. ”Should we go to a doctor? Having too many head aches really isn’t healthy”

”N-no. That’s not needed”, Evan quickly assures. His mom doesn’t look too convinced, and he continues: ”R-really. I’m fine”

Besides, Evan has already told the school nurse about it. Apparently most head aches are caused by stress and sleep deprivation. Who could ever have guessed? And since he couldn’t really do anything about those two things, he had left the nurse’s office with a flat thank you.

The tips he had gotten weren’t exactly helpful. Go to sleep earlier and try not to stress too much are easier said than done.

Heidi shoots him a look, like she’s going to drop the subject for now, but will return to it later. A smile spreads across her face, despite the worried look in her eyes. 

”Someone signed your cast”, she exclaims happily, but she sounds genuinely surprised. Evan winces. Wow. Even his own mom doesn’t believe that he could have any friends.

He replies with a small nod, glancing at his arm. Connor’s name is written across the cast in large letters. Evan isn’t sure if it takes up most of the cast because Connor knew that no one else would sign it. He kind of likes the idea.

Then Evan notices the small doodle inside the O. A tree, and Connor and Evan sitting under it. Suddenly he feels a little taken aback. It wasn’t like he had forgotten about what had happened last night, but it just hadn’t felt… real. It felt like one big hallucination or a very realistic dream. His fingers touch the drawing absentmindedly.

”So, who’s Connor?” his mom asks, and the hope in her voice is obvious.

Evan shrugs. ”Just… s-someone from my class” Not exactly a lie. Connor is in fact on some of the same classes, but Evan can’t remember the last time he actually saw him attending any of them. Even if he did, he usually sat in the backrow, clicking at his pen and ignoring the teacher when he tells Connor to take off the hood.

Heidi looks kind of disappointed. Evan feels his stomach twist. What exactly was he supposed to say? To tell his mom that yes, he has actually been best friends with Connor for years now and that he has just never told her about it. Was that what she had been expecting?

The truth is, that Connor really is just someone from his class. Someone who, in a way, had stopped Evan from killing himself, yes, but still just a stranger. 

”We talked yesterday, though”, Evan offers weakly. Heidi looks too happy about the fact that Evan even managed to communicate with someone. God, he’s so pathetic. 

She ruffles his hair. ”I’m proud of you, Evan. I told you this was going to be a good year”

Evan snaps his mouth shut. Good years don’t typically start by almost killing yourself, but he doesn’t need to say that.

”I h-have to go now”

Heidi blinks, disappointed. ”Oh, yeah, sure! See you later, kid. Have fun”

Evan nods, grabs his backpack, and leaves before she asks Evan why the money he was meant to use for pizza is still on the table.

 

Evan walks to school, simply because the bus makes him feel anxious and Jared isn’t usually a fan of waking up earlier just to give Evan a ride. He puts on his earbuds with an exhale, focusing on his feet. If possible, he feels a little better now that he’s outside. Evan’s mind isn’t as foggy and he doesn’t find himself yawning every ten seconds, but he still feels his stomach lurch everytime he passes someone. What if they noticed how tired Evan is? What if they tried to talk to him? What if Evan accidentally bumped into someone?

He fiddles with the hem of his shirt. He still has almost thirty minutes before school starts, and walking there won’t take more than fifteen minutes. But what if the watch on his phone isn’t right? Is he sure school starts in thirty minutes? What if it’s actually a day off, and Evan gets to the school for nothing?

None of those things happen, but Evan can still feel the dread in his stomach. He arrives at school an anxious mess, but what’s new? 

As soon as Evan pushes through the front doors, he can almost feel everyone’s eyes burning holes into his back. They’re all staring. Expect they’re not. Evan tries not to flinch when a girl starts laughing as he passes by. He goes to his locker, opening it with shaking hands.

He does what he always does, which is search for familiar faces in the crowd. He’s pretty sure he can see Jared with a couple of his friends, but since Evan can’t see their faces, he isn’t sure. Alana hurries past him, a worried frown on her face. She lifts her hand to wave at Evan and shoots him a quick smile, but before Evan can respond, she’s already gone. 

No sign of Connor. Evan tries not to worry too much. He’s probably fine. 

Evan sighs, grabbing his books from his locker. Suddenly there’s tap on his shoulder.

”What’s up, loser?” Evan recognices the voice instantly.

”H-hi Jared”, he says quietly.

Jared deadpans. ”You didn’t answer my texts yesterday”, he says, rolling his eyes.

”You- you texted me?” Evan squeaks out. Jared just stares at him like he just said something incredibly stupid.

”I didn’t do my math homework, and now I’m kind of fucked. You better answer me next time”, he groans. Then he seems to realize something. ”Wait. Hand me your notebook. I’ll copy them quickly”

Before Evan has time to answer, his notebook is on Jared’s grip, and he’s copying the answers directly into his own.

”If these aren’t correct”, Jared murmurs while writing furiously, ”We’re not friends anymore”

”We- we aren’t friends. You always say t-that we’re just family friends”, Evan replies. Jared grins.

”That’s the spirit”, he says smugly, patting Evan’s shoulder awkwardly. The bells ring as he’s correcting his glasses, and suddenly the notebook is pushed back into Evan’s arms. He mutters something under his breath, and then runs off.

Evan stands there for a while, wondering if he should start purposefully doing his homework wrong so Jared couldn’t always copy them. 

 

Evan doesn’t see Connor after the first class. And not after the second. Not even after the third. He tells himself that Connor skips school a lot, especially the morning classes, so it’s nothing to be freaked out by. Evan’s genuinely worried for him. An ugly voice inside his head tells him that he’s worried for himself, because if something were to happen to Connor, he would be feeling guilty. He ignores the voice.

And now, after the fourth class, Connor is still nowhere to be seen. Evan’s starting to freak out. What if he tells someone about Evan? What if he made a copy of his letter and is going to show it to everyone? Is Connor even okay? It’s lunchtime, so he could be in the school cafeteria. But then again, Connor doesn’t really seem like the type of person who would eat lunch in the cafeteria. Hell, he doesn’t even seem like the type of person who eats lunch.

And since Evan isn’t the type of person that eats lunch in the cafeteria, he decides to go to the computer lab. The cafeteria is always full of people, full of noise, and the food tastes disgusting. So he usually has three options; either stand awkwardly in the hallway and pray silently that no one spares him a look, having a break down in the bathroom stalls, or sitting on a dirty chair in the computer lab, staring into the wall for thirty minutes.

And since he isn’t feeling all too horrible today and the halls are crowded, it leaves out just the computer lab. Their school has two. The other one is significantly smaller, which is the reason why it’s usually empty. Works for Evan.

He slips into the room, closing the door behind him. Evan lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in, immediately feeling better. Sure, it’s just a raggedy class room, but at least he’s alone. He throws his backpack on the floor, pulling the chair from under the desk and throwing himself on it. He taps on the desk, opening the computer. Evan decided that the letter he wrote yesterday isn’t exactly too positive, and he needs to have at least one letter for his next appointment so it seems like he’s trying.

He begins writing.

Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why. Even though you had a terrible morning, the last few hours haven’t been that bad. You even managed to talk to someone new, which is progress. That someone is a lot more similar to you than originally thought. If only you knew him better. Maybe you could help each other. Maybe you’ll finally get a friend.

Also, you didn’t kill yourself yesterday which is pretty positive!

Evan deletes the last bit, printing the rest of the letter. It’s short and poorly written, but it’s fine. He’ll just write more later.

While he’s waiting for the paper to print, he hears a click from the door. Evan turns his head, and sees Connor, who’s clearly angry. His face falls when he notices Evan.

”Oh. I didn’t know you were here”, he says flatly, eyes dark. ”This is usually empty”

Evan jerks his hands away from the computer. ”You- you come here often?” he asks, and immediately flushes a bright red. Fuck. He had genuinely meant the question, but of course he had accidentally phrased it so it sounds like one of the corniest pick up lines ever.

To his surprisement, he watches the angry expression wash away, a sly grin spreading across Connor’s face. He shoves his hands into his pockets and walks behind Evan, leaning into the table behind him. It takes Evan a moment to realize he’s reading the letter, and when Evan closes the computer, it’s too late. 

”So you write creepy sex letters about me now?” he snorts. Evan’s blush deepens.

”No. No! It’s just, I-”

”I know why you wrote that”, Connor cuts him off, clenching his jaw. ”Calm down”

Evan glances at him nervously. Connor doesn’t say anything, instead, he’s silently picking at his nail polish.

”Y-you weren’t at school in the morning”, Evan states quietly.

Connor shrugs. ”Didn’t feel like going”

”You’re here now”

”Yeah”, Connor says slowly, ”I am”

There’s a silence. Not necessarily too uncomfortable, but it’s awkward enough to make Evan’s heart beat faster, wondering if he did something wrong. Suddenly Connor stretches over, grabbing the letter from the printer, and giving it to Evan.

”Do those letters really work?” he asks curiously, something unrecognisable in his voice. 

Evan smiles a little. ”N-no, not really”, he replies sheepishly. Connor nods. He looks at him, almost looking like he wants to say something. He opens his mouth and then shuts it. Then he draws in a sharp breath.

”Fuck it. Give me your phone”, he orders. Evan frowns, surprised.

”W-what?”

”I’m not going to steal your fucking phone, Hansen”, Connor snaps, looking at Evan, expecting. He rolls his eyes. ”I don’t have all day”

Evan blushes, handing his phone to Connor. Are his hands sweaty? What if Connor notices? Maybe Connor will see how crappy his phone is, and realize what a loser he is. What if-

”There”, Connor says casually, giving Evan his phone back. Evan’s probably still looking confused, because Connor sighs, frustrated.

”I gave you my number”, he says like it’s obvious, raising his right eyebrow.

”Oh”, is all that Evan manages at that. 

Connor glances at the door, and then at his phone. ”I have to go”, he announces, straightening his back and walking to the door.

”See you later?” he asks, reaching for the door handle. He turns to Evan with an unreadable expression on his face.

”S-see you later”, Evan confirms, and with that, Connor is gone.

 

Evan doesn’t see Connor for the rest of the day, but now that he knows he’s okay, he isn’t too worried. He figures Connor’s just skipping again or maybe he just has different classes than Evan.

Knowing Connor, Evan is pretty sure that he’s skipping.

The rest of the day is a blur, and when he finally gets home, he’s tired. Not exhausted like in the morning, but tired. He plops himself on the couch, just staring into the ceiling. He ignores the empty feeling in his chest and the light throbbing in his head. He doesn’t really feel like eating despite the growls his stomach lets out in protest.

Evan does his homework. He stares at the ceiling some more. He almost texts Connor, but then lets the phone slip away from his hands. He watches TV, and then almost texts Connor again. At some point his mom comes home, only telling him to order something to eat. Evan nods, even though he knows he won’t even touch the money on the kitchen counter. Heidi gives him a worried look and reminds him that he doesn’t have to call, that he can just order online, to which Evan nods again. Because how is that really better? He would still have to talk to the delivery guy at the door. What if Evan made the wrong order? Or what if he doesn’t have enough money? He would mess up his words. His hands would be sweaty when handing back the change. 

Only, he doesn’t say that, because Evan doesn’t need his mom to be anymore disappointed in him than she already is, and so she leaves in a hurry with a small smile on her face, reminding Evan to eat at least something.

Just another long afternoon in the pathetic life of Evan Hansen. 

He lays on the couch, almost feeling his phone burning next to him. He wants to text Connor, he really does, because didn’t his therapist tell him to reach out for people? 

By ”people”, Dr. Sherman probably didn’t mean school stoners who are just as fucked up as Evan is, but then again, who else would he talk to?

Fuck it, Evan thinks, grabbing the phone. It feels hot in Evan’s hand. Hesitantly, he opens it, blinking furiously. A part of him is telling him to text Connor, but another part is telling him to stop, because why would he want anything to do with Evan? Maybe it’s why Connor gave him his number in the first place, because he knew that Evan is too nervous to ever contact him and Connor would be left alone.

Evan bites his lip, typing a message out, and sending it.

To: Connor (9:14 PM)

hey, it’s me

He immediately wants to punch himself. Who sends other people messages like that? And now he sounds like a serial killer, too. He quickly sends another text, and then another, and then another, and then feels the twist in his stomach as he realizes that he has made a terrible mistake.

sorry, that sounded super weird  
it’s Evan  
you gave me your number so i thought you might want mine  
unless you gave it to me to be nice?  
if so then please ignore me  
sorry

Evan wants to throw his phone into the floor. He decides that making desicions when tired is just another thing he’s horrible at. Connor is going to hate him now. Why did he do that oh my god-

His phone screen lights up, and it takes everything Evan has to not cry.

do i look like someone who does shit to b nice  
stop apologizing so much. its annoying

Evan lets out a breath. At least Connor wasn’t telling him to fuck off or threatening him.

then why’d you give me your number?

idk  
because i need to pretend i have a friend since i actually have none

oh

also i need my parents off my back  
fucking larry doesnt believe that i talk to anyone besides drug dealers

oh

Evan chews on his lip anxiously. So he’s just en excuse that Connor can use to be left alone by his parents. Almost like reading his mind, Connor replies.

before you freak out, thats not the actual reason. ur genuinely ok

wow thanks

also ur the only person who doesnt think im a school shooter or sth

no one actually thinks you’re a school shooter

yea sure

 

To: Connor (10:32 PM)

you didn’t get mad today

huh

you said that we can’t be friends because you get angry so easily  
but you didn’t

i did but not at u

oh  
want to talk about it?

not rly  
i just lashed out at zoe pretty badly  
nothing too unusual

nothing too unusual?

news flash  
u might not have noticed but she fucking hates me 

did you apologize?

why the fuck would i apologize to her  
she practically started the whole fight

oh  
well

why  
because you assumed that poor little zoe did nothing and it was all my fault?  
fuck you evan

 

To Connor: (11:44 PM)

sorry  
i didn’t mean it like that

sure u didnt

i really didn’t i’m sorry  
just that maybe if you apologized she’d know that you regret it

doesnt matter if i apologize when ill just scream at her again   
i cant keep apologizing only to act the same again  
its fucking hypocritical

but if you did apologize she’d probably feel better  
doesn’t matter if you do it again, at least she’d know you’re sorry

yea whatever  
why arent u in bed anyways   
its almost 12 am

you’re awake too

touché

 

From Connor (12:02 AM)

goodnight hansen

goodnight Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't really like this chapter but thought i'd publish it anyways :/
> 
> i'll try and write this for as long as i have inspiration! be prepared for your standard deh fic™
> 
> leave a comment and i'll probably cry from happiness


	3. Chapter 3

Connor isn’t feeling too great. Scratch that, he’s feeling awful. He’s tired and he’s depressed and then he’s angry at himself for being depressed, and then he gets more depressed, and it’s just a horrible cycle that will probably end at him lashing out at someone or screaming his voice hoarse alone in his room.

All he wants to do is sleep. He could really use a 48-hour nap, or a nice coma. Bonus points if he wouldn’t wake up. 

”Can you go tell Zoe to get down?” Larry’s voice interrupts his thoughts. He looks at Connor with a neutral, cold expression, and sighs. Connor nods slightly, maybe with a little too much force. On any other day, he would probably just either ignore Larry or snap at him. Today he is too tired.

He drags himself upstairs, walking over to Zoe’s room. He can hear some faint music from the other side of the door, and for a while, he wonders if he should knock. He then decides not to, pushing the door open. The music gets louder, and Connor recognize it as something that Zoe plays a lot. He can’t name the band though, and for some reason his stomach twists. If he was a normal big brother, he would probably know the band. He would’ve probably gotten Zoe their merch for Christmas, only that it’s been a long time since they actually gave each other presents.

Zoe listens to a lot of music, usually loudly. Connor wonders if it’s to drown the yelling and slamming doors that came from all of the fighting.

His stomach twists again.

He steps into the room and sees Zoe on her bed, humming along to the words. She’s painting her nails. Connor subconsciously glances at his own, painted a deep black.

Zoe lifs her gaze, and Connor notices the way her smile falters. Her nails are black as well. 

”Get downstairs”, Connor growls, immediately turning on his heels and walking out of the room. How the fuck can Zoe act so happy when Connor feels the exact opposite? 

Dinner is dead silent. Connor sits in his chair, not even touching the horrible vegan lasagna in front of him. Zoe is nibbling on her food while studying for a test. Occasionally Larry asks some questions, but only from Zoe. What test do you have tomorrow? Biology. Don’t you have that concert next week? Yes. Do you need a ride to Alana’s later? Actually, yeah, thanks. Sometimes Cynthia joins them, and they talk awkwardly while Connor sits still, pushing the food around with his fork.

Connor stares at the lasagna like it could solve all of his problems. No one seems to even notice him.

”I need a ride to school tomorrow”, Connor says flatly, violently stabbing the food with his fork. No one responds. No one even looks at him; Zoe still has her nose stuck to a book. Larry keeps eating quietly. Cynthia gives him a look but doesn’t respond. Connor is being treated like air, but he guesses that’s what he deserves.

Connor coughs. No one still pays attention. For a while Connor feels so angry, because why does he ever bother acting decent? Why does he bother not yelling and cursing at everyone? It doesn’t matter how many good or okay days he has, because there would always be another day when he would scream at Larry just a bit too loud or insult Zoe just a bit too harshly.

”If you fucking want me to go to school, you should at least make sure I can get there”, Connor snaps, throwing his fork on the floor in a fit of rage.

”Connor, don’t talk to us like that”, Larry says, his expression immediately hardening. Zoe puts her book down and looks at the two with an unreadable expression, sensing conflict. Fucking bitch. She is probably waiting for Connor to get yelled at so she can cry about how much the fighting traumatizes her.

”I’d talk a lot nicer if you gave me my fucking car back”

Zoe snorts. ”Yeah, because you are always so nice”

Connor bites on his tongue. Hard. ”Well, lucky that you’re so nice for the both of us”, he grits through his teeth, tasting blood in his mouth.

Zoe looks like she’s about to say something back, but Cynthia interrupts both of them. 

”Connor, you have to understand why we took your car away. You weren’t even home last night. We were worried sick”, she says quickly, Zoe looks at her disinterested, almost as if to say We? We were worried?

”You haven’t cared before. None of you really give a shit” Connor growls, bouncing his leg up and down.

Cynthia looks at Larry, looking for support. No one says anything, all feeling the tension. No one wants to say anything, to break that tension. Connor gets up, leaving the food untouched on the table. 

”If that was all, I’m leaving now”, he announces, and takes a step towards the door.

Cynthia’s mouth is pressed into a thin line. ”You are not leaving anywhere-”

”I’m sick of you fucking treating me like air, like I don’t even exist. You literally don’t talk to me unless it’s to scold me”, Connor spits out, his voice cold.

”Maybe because no one wants to talk to you when you act this way”, Zoe practically screams, ”You can’t get angry at us for not caring when you’re a dick”

”Zoe!” Cynthia gasps out. Zoe turns her look on her, a hard look in her eyes.

”So Connor can speak to me like that but I can’t tell him the truth? You’re always taking Connor’s side on this”, she states angrily, tilting her head.

Connor laughs bitterly. ”Oh yeah, it must be so fucking hard to be poor little Zoe. Your life is terrible”

Zoe bites her lip. ”You don’t know anything about my life-”

”But I do know that the only reason you’re popular is because your brother is the psycho school stoner”, Connor snarls.

”That’s not true!”

Connor feels only slightly guilty as he continues; ”I might not have any friends, but so don’t you! They don’t really give a crap about you!”

”Don’t talk to your sister that way!”

”Fuck you Connor, fuck you”

”The only thing hard in your life is that your crazy fucking brother didn’t manage to off himself, and now you have to live with him!” Connor yells, knocking over his chair. It lands into the ground with a crash. Zoe looks at him with a deflated look on her face. She looks tired. Exhausted. She straightens her back, tears in her eyes, but she doesn’t cry.

”Don’t say that”, she says simply.

”Must have been really fucking hard finding me and realizing that I was still alive”

Zoe curls her fists. ”Shut up!” she screams.

”You can’t pretend to only care when I’m about to die”

Zoe’s lower lip wobbles. ”That’s the only time you’re not yelling at me”, she states quietly.  
The words hit Connor. Hard. He feels so guilty, but that only makes him angrier. He feels cold, almost like someone replaced his insides with ice.

”So you only care about me when I’m nice to you?” he asks, and despite the bitterness behind the words, it’s a genuine question. 

”No!” Zoe yells, ”God knows you’re not nice, but you’re still my brother”

”Let’s face it. Would any of you really care if I just disappeared tomorrow?” Connor says, voice monotone. Suddenly the words feel familiar to him, but he doesn’t know where they’re from. He’s sure he heard them somewhere.

Cynthia has a pained look on her face. ”Of course we would”, she says sternly.

”Liar”

”Connor, if you’d just let us in. We could help you. You can’t keep pushing us away”, Cynthia cries out.

Connor kicks the chair lightly, but harshly enough to make everyone wince. ”Oh, don’t act like you’re willing to help. Hell, I’ve been asking for help for years, and you haven’t given it to me. It’s too fucking late now”

”That’s it”, Larry snaps. ”You can’t talk to your family like that. Learn to control yourself”

Connor feels his blood boil. ”I fucking can’t, that’s the problem! Sorry I’m not like Zoe, sorry I’m not a emotionless robot who’s perfect at everything they do”, he yells.

”I’m not fucking perfect-”

”Have you ever considered in your tiny minds”, Connor says, voice shaking, ”That the reason I’m like this is your fucking fault? You aren’t exactly a dream family, despite what you like to think”

Connor storms out of the room, partly because he’s overwhelmed by guilt now, partly because he can’t take it anymore, partly because he just wants to be alone right now. Larry is screaming at him to get back, but Connor isn’t listening. In fact, he can’t hear anything, because his ears are ringing.

He slams his door shut. It’s soon followed by another slam, most likely from Zoe.

He punches the wall, feeling his mind clearing at the pain. The hole in the wall isn’t the only one, there’s another one on the other side of the room. He knows that they’ll be fixed soon, no one ever mentioning them again, but at least he finds comfort in the thought of having Larry’s property destroyed.

Connor hisses, his knuckles red and bloodied. They’re going to bruise badly, but right now, he doesn’t care. He feels too foggy. He’s pretty sure that he’s crying, but everything feels too hazy. At some point he’s on his bed, asleep.

When he wakes up a few hours later with Evan telling him to apologize to fucking Zoe, he throws his phone on the floor. The screen shatters with a loud crack, and Connor picks it up immediately regretting it. The glass shards dig into his skin, and he can’t really be bothered by the fact that his hand looks like he stuck it into a shredder.

He lays on his bed for what feels like hours, staring into the ceiling. He calms down eventually, and he starts playing with the thought of getting back to the orchard. Evan wouldn’t be there so stop him this time.

It has to be midnight already. He feels completely blank, completely empty. Rolling over, Connor grabs his phone again. He sends Evan another message.

He wasn’t actually expecting for him to answer, but he does.

goodnight Connor

Connor doesn’t know when he falls asleep, but he dreams of the orchard, of a five year old Zoe shooting him a toothy grin and Evan falling out of a tree, and of him sitting alone in the middle of the field.

 

The next morning Connor is slumped on the back seat of the class room, his face buried in his arms. The teacher is calling out names, and looks genuinely surprised to see Connor even attending. She gives him a sharp look, glancing at the hood on Connor’s head disapprovingly. She doesn’t say anything, probably because she doesn’t want to risk Connor leaving in the middle of the lesson.

A bunch of his class mates seem surprised too. He can already hear snickering from the front row. He lifts his head, a spark of anger shooting through him. Most students are on their phones, some are flipping through the pages of the the textbook lazily, and a few are doodling on their desks. Nothing interesting. Connor buries his head back into his arms and closes his eyes, disinterested. He can hear the door open and muffled speaking, but he can’t make out the words. He feels himself dozing off, and it isn’t until a loud thud when he sits up and looks around him.

Evan is standing next to him, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, nervous as always. His backpack is on the floor, right next to the seat.

Connor just stares at him blankly. Evan seems more nervous.

”S-sorry! There are no free seats left, and, umm, yeah? Can I please sit here? Not that I’d only sit next to you when I absolutely have to, but I kind of have to sit next to you. I can’t just stand around. S-sorry”, Evan rambles on with the same questioning tone he always uses.

Connor stares at him some more. Then he blinks slowly. ”Sit in the damn chair, Hansen”, he sighs finally, and Evan smiles his typical nervous smile, plopping himself on the seat. He exhales visibly, clearly relieved. A couple of people give him a pitiful look, almost as if to say well, at least when Connor finally snaps you might not be the first person to get shot.

Someone snickers again, but this time at Evan. Connor gives the boy across him a murderous look meanwhile Evan takes his books from his bag.

”W-what?” he asks with a frown, looking at Connor.

Connor raises his hands defensively. ”Nothing”

Evan nods, still frowning, but turns his gaze to the teacher. He’s taking notes and listening to the teacher, but never once answering any of the questions. He looks terrified everytime the teacher asks the class something. Connor smirks, almost amused, scribbling on his book. He ignores the anger pooling in his stomach and the pressure in his chest that gets worse everytime someone looks at him in a weird way or quickly glances at him and then starts laughing with their friends.

The entire page is covered in tiny doodles. Evan is staring more or less discreetly as Connor keeps on drawing, other hand holding the pencil, other hand digging his nails into his legs.

fuck off, Connor writes on big, bold letters, and Evan turns his head, blushing. Connor doodles a bunch of trees on the corner of the paper, but Evan doesn’t look again. 

Connor can’t tell if he’s disappointed or relieved. 

 

What started as an okay day is gradually getting worse and worse. He’s used most of his lessons to sleep or just stare into the blackboard, fiddling with his pencil. The looks on the teachers’ faces have been getting more and more disappointed the longer the day has continued. Connor decides he finds class less interesting when Evan isn’t there to push his notebook over with a sigh so he can copy the answers.

Connor pinches the bridge of his nose, leaning back into the wall. He had lied about going to the bathroom only so he could get out from class a few minutes earlier. Otherwise he would’ve exploded, the itching under his skin and the burning behind his eyes finally finding their way out.

He closes his eyes, exhaling. He hasn’t actually snapped at anyone today. Just a few more hours, then he can lock himself in his room and zone out for hours or whatever.

Connor groans, walking past the people that are already crowding the halls. Everyone seems to ignore him, getting out of his way without any trouble. A few people shoot a look at him, but rest of the students keep their eyes on the ground, almost as if they’re scared of Connor.

They probably are.

Connor reaches his locker, staring at the dent that’s in the door. He can’t remember where it’s from, but it’s roughly the size of his fist. He probably got angry and punched his locker in a fit of rage. He glances down on his hand, marred with bruises and tiny cuts running across his knuckles. He presses the bruises with his fingers, hard, and feels a jolt of pain under his skin. Connor hisses and shakes his hand in the air. He opens the locker with his other hand and quickly grabbing the books he needs.

”Whose face did you break this time?” Jared shouts mockingly across the hall. He’s a few feet away from Connor, staring at him with a challenging look in his eyes. Connor’s stomach falls as he notices Evan standing next to the other boy, clearly uncomfortable.

”Fuck off, Kleinman”, Connor snarls, and slams the door of his locker closed with just a bit too much force. His hand aches at the act.

”So you did punch someone?” Jared asks, sounding pleased with himself. ”You probably killed them, too”

Evan’s mouth opens slightly, and he says something to Jared. Connor is a bit too far to hear what he’s trying to say, but he thinks he heard Evan telling Jared to stop. Connor shakes his head angrily. Evan most likely said it just so Connor wouldn’t freak out and yell at him, but can he really blame him?

Connor takes a step towards Jared. ”I haven’t punched anyone, but that might change, you fucking dick”, he growls. Evan looks panicked, looking at Connor and then Jared with a scared expression.

”Do it, it’d just prove what a fucking freak you are”, Jared snaps back, tilting his chin upwards.

”Jared, stop”, Evan says quietly. Jared’s eyes widen, and he huffs, annoyed.

”Maybe I should, before Murphy right here kills me-”

Connor grabs Jared by the front of his shirt, staring at the other with a furious look in his eyes. 

”Fuck. Off”, he growls, feeling just a hint of satisfaction when he sees Jared’s smile falter and the flash of fear on his face. 

”Let me go, asshole”, Jared shouts back, 

Connor’s eyes darken as he lifts his fist. He wants nothing more than to punch Kleinman in his annoying face, to wipe off that arrogant smirk.

”C-Connor!” Evan exclaims.

Suddenly Jared is yanking himself free from Connor’s grip. Connor feels his entire body deflate as he puts his hands down. Jareed shoots him one last murderous look before running away. Connor can’t bother going after him. It’s only now that he acknowledges the people staring at them, pointing and whispering.

He takes a deep breath. Then another. He feels so hot, like someone lit him on fire, and he wants nothing more than for the fire to go out. Connor wants to scream. Punch something. Scratch his skin until it’s as red as his cheeks right now.

”Connor?” Evan asks quietly, voice shaking. Fucking great.

”Leave me alone”, Connor grumbles, trying to walk away. Evan grabs his arm, stopping him.

”What now?” Connor snaps, ”What the hell do you want?”

Evan blinks, like he isn’t too sure either. ”I, uhh, just? Jared really shouldn’t have said that to you”

”I know”, Connor says grimly, glancing down at Evan’s hand gripping his arm. He feels like he’s in a dream.

Evan bites his lip. ”B-but, you didn’t have to scare him l-like that”, he says, his voice almost a whisper.

Connor lets out a bitter chuckle. ”So you fucking agree with Kleinman then?” 

Evan looks confused. ”N-no?”

”He called me a freak, and oh, don’t you just agree?” Connor spits out, voice dangerously low.

Evan looks like he’s about to say something, but Connor cuts him off. 

”Guess what Hansen, you’re the fucking freak”, he yells, voice hoarse. He slaps Evan’s hand off, shoving him back, and if that just doesn’t give him the biggest deja vu ever.

Evan staggers on his feet, a look of hurt flashing on his face. He pulls his hand close to his chest, and for a while Connor wonders if he really hurt him. To be honest, he can’t bother to care right now.

He ignores the people staring at them. He ignores the way Evan’s lip trembles and how there are tears gathering in his eyes. He ignores the quiet snickering. He ignores the burning behind his eyes and the way his hands are shaking.

”Fuck off”, Connor snarls, and then does what he always does. He runs away.

 

Connor leans on the dumpster, pressing his eyes with his hands. His head is spinning, his insides are burning, and he wants nothing more than to just scream. To shout. To let it all out.

He throws his head back, tears in his eyes. Fuck. If only he had weed.

Connor curls his hand into a fist and punches the dumpster. He hisses in pain, his hand looking even more terrible now. He lets out a loud, frustrated groan. There’s nobody behind the school anyways. There’s nobody who could hear him.

He presses his face in between his knees, feeling the ground sting at his legs. He doesn’t really care.

Connor doesn’t know exactly how long he sits there, his face buried in his arms. His skin feels itchy. Everything feels so uncomfortable, he thinks, closing his eyes and fighting back the tears of anger.

Just as he thinks he might fall asleep, a sharp noise brings him back to awareness. He doesn’t bother looking, but someone is walking towards him, the gravel crunching under their feet.

”Connor?” the someone calls out, voice sounding exhausted and annoyed at the same time. He lifts his head, finding Zoe standing in front of him, arms on her hips.

”Oh my god, are you high?” she asks, noticing Connor’s red eyes, ”you promised you wouldn’t smoke at school anymore”

”No, Zoe, I am not fucking high”, Connor replies harshly. Zoe’s expression hardens immediately, but she seems to believe him.

”Why are you out here, then?”

”I don’t know”, Connor shrughs. It’s the truth.

Zoe sighs, throwing her hands into the air. ”I’m supposed to give your ass a ride home and it’s pretty hard when you’re getting into fights and then hiding behind the school for the rest of the day”

Connor gets up, not bothering to wipe away the dust from his jeans. So Zoe knew about the conflict with Kleinman. And Evan.

But what did he expect? At least half of the school probably had video footage of him almost knocking Kleinman’s annoying glasses off of his face and of him shoving Evan.

”You seriously just had to go punch Jared?” Zoe asks angrily. Connor blinks, confused.

”I- I didn’t punch him”

Zoe shakes her head a little. ”Wait, really?” she says, surprised.

”Maybe you shouldn’t trust rumours so much”, Connor spits out. Zoe just gives her a stern look.

”The rumours are usually true”, she says, ”you pushed that one kid again. Ethan? Evan?”

Connor freezes still.

”He was practically sobbing when I went to apologise to him for you. Again”, Zoe sighs.

If Connor feels the slightest bit guilty, he doesn’t show it on his face. They’re quiet for a long time, until Connor opens his mouth.

”Sorry”, he blurts out. Sorry for the things he said yesterday or sorry for almost starting a fight with Jared? He doesn’t know. Maybe both. Maybe he’s just generally sorry for being a shitty brother.

Zoe looks like someone punched her, her eyes widening. ”I’m not the one you should be apologising to”, she laughs bitterly.

Connor rolls his eyes. ”About yesterday”, he grits through his teeth.

Zoe lets out a small oh. She stares at Connor while he clenches and unclenches his fists.

”You’re not… you’re not about to do something stupid?” she asks harshly, but worry clear in her eyes.

Connor feels a wave of anger wash over him. ”You think I apologised because I’m about to off myself?” he barks.

”That’s… that’s usually the only instance you apologise to anyone”, Zoe whispers.

”Well sorry for acting like a decent fucking person for even once”

”If only you just acted like a decent person all the time”, Zoe says coldly.

Connor frowns. ”I fucking try”

”You’re not trying very hard, are you?” Zoe snaps.

”You’re not making it that easy for me”, Connor says, venom in his voice.

Zoe looks at Connor with a puzzled look on her face. ”You’re not making it too easy either”, she says calmly, too calmly, tilting her head.

Connor doesn’t respond.

”Let’s just go home”, Zoe finally says, voice tired and expression empty.

”Whatever”, Connor mutters.

 

Connor stands still, scratching the car seat under him while Zoe is repeatedly tapping her fingers on the sterring wheel. Zoe keeps glancing at him every few seconds with a curious, yet tired look on her face. Connor is close to snapping at her when she suddenly speaks.

”I don’t forgive you”, she says plainly, eyes flashing with something unrecognicable. Connor chuckles without any joy.

”I’d be worried if you forgave me”, he says, trying to keep the disappoinment and the anger out of his voice.

Zoe smiles. It’s a small, almost forced smile, but a smile nevertheless.

They don’t speak to each other for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really don't like this chapter,, writer's block is really kicking my ass rn
> 
> i promise connor and evan will interact more in the future !! i'm just a sucker for the murphy siblings and i need them to save their relationship rip
> 
> leave a comment and i'll probably cry from happiness


	4. Chapter 4

Evan can feel his stomach twist as soon as Connor disappears. He fights to keep the tears from not falling on his cheeks, choking back the sob that is threatening to escape his throat. He hurries down the hall, trying to keep his eyes on the ground. Maybe because he doesn’t want the people surrounding him seeing his teary eyes and his blotchy face, or maybe because he doesn’t want to see them staring and judging him.

He runs off, but in the opposite direction than Connor. He’s right in the middle of wondering if he should escape to the boys’ bathroom or find an empty classroom to go cry in, when a hand reaches for his shoulder. He lets out a loud yelp, turning around, startled. Evan finds Zoe standing right in front of him, an annoyed glint in her eyes, but a pitiful smile forming on her lips.

”You okay?” she asks. Evan blushes.

”I- me? Yes. I am very much okay. Totally fine. J-just peachy. Why wouldn’t I be?” Evan blurts out, then internally cringes at himself. He watches the frown on Zoe’s face deepen. He wants nothing more than to disappear.

”My brother pushed you. Again”, she says after a while of staring, shaking her head. Evan fiddles with his fingers.

”I mean, y-yeah, he did, but it was my fault? W-well, not exactly, but he had the right to get angry”, he laughs nervously. Zoe doesn’t seem to find it funny at all.

”You didn’t do anything”, she states, and Evan can’t tell if she sounds confused, even more annoyed, or curious. Maybe a mixture of the three.

But I did, Evan wants to say. Connor told me that it would be a bad idea to become friends, and I ignored him just because I’m so pathetic he’s literally the only person messed up enough to be nice to me. I should have never talked to him. He hates me now and my only chance of having a friend is gone.

Zoe grimaces slightly, giving Evan a worried look. ”Are you sure you’re okay?”

”I- umm, yeah”, says Evan, staring down at his feet. A year ago, hell, even a few months ago, he wouldn’t have been able to have a conversation with her without crying or passing out. Though he isn’t too far from that right now; he looks like a mess, face flushed and eyes still burning. Black spots swim in front of him, filling his vision.

”I have to go”, he says so quickly that Zoe probably couldn’t even hear. He turns on his heels and bolts away.

He spends the rest of the day leaning on to the toilet in the dirty school bathroom despite the looming fear that the teacher will for sure call his mom. Maybe Evan will get detention, which would make the teacher mad, then make her mom mad, or maybe he would get expelled. He feels cold thinking about how his grades might drop. His mom would be so disappointed him. More than she already is.

And if he cries until his vision blurs and his head feels like someone shot him, hovering above the toilet seat trying not to throw up because of the idea of all those people staring and laughing, making fun of him and oh god what if someone recorded it it’s none of anyone’s business.

 

Evan gets back home, shaking slightly, but at least he isn’t crying anymore. He slams the front door shut with a little too much force and throws his backpack on the floor. He kind of wants to kick it, but before he can take his feelings out on the poor bag, his mom interrupts him.

”You weren’t at the last class”, Heidi says, voice neutral. She has her hands on her hips, and all though Evan knows she isn’t disappointed but worried, he can’t help the way his hands are shaking.

Evan keeps his eyes fixated on the floor. ”I- umm, I wasn’t feeling well?” he finally says, the words coming off more as a question than he intended.

Heidi sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. ”Did you go to the nurse’s office?”

”...No?”

Heidi sighs again, her voice raising a little. ”Evan, I told you that if you really need to take a break you should go there”

”I-I’m sorry”

The look on Heidi’s eyes softens. ”You don’t have to be sorry for anything”

”B-but… I skipped class”, Evan whispers like it’s the worst thing he could have ever done.

Heidi smiles and pulls him in for a hug. ”Oh honey, it’s fine. You can just ask a friend for the homework. Like Jared, I’m sure he’d help you out”

Evan buries his head in his mom’s shoulder, relaxing into the hug. He doesn’t have the heart to tell her that Jared and him aren’t exactly friends.

 

The next day, as it turns out, Jared and him really aren’t friends. He sees Jared in the yard right before school, but as soon as Evan raises his hand to wave at him, Jared gives him a cold look and turns away. Evan guesses he’s not too happy about Evan defending Connor while he was on the verge of punching Jared.

He has no idea where he’s supposed to get his homework now. Jared is ignoring him, and there’s no way that he’d ask someone else from their class. In fact, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t really even know anyone from their class. And now the teacher will get angry at him. What if Evan has to answer a question about the homework in class? It would be horrifying enough by itself, but since he hasn’t even done the assignments it’d be a complete disaster, just another reason for people to laugh at him. Evan lowers his hand, trying to shake the worry off.

Only that when has Evan ever been able to do that?

As soon as he enters the building, he practically runs into Alana. The door closes with a loud thud and Evan winces. 

”Evan!” Alana exclaims, ignoring the way Evan is shaking slightly. ”I’ve been looking for you!”

Evan blinks. ”Okay?”

”I had to ask Jared about your timetable. Jared”, Alana sighs exasperatedly, rolling her eyes. She shoves Evan playfully and smirks.

”I- uhh, no offence, Alana, but w-why are you talking to me?” Evan says, frowning. A look of hurt and guilt flashes in her face, but she quickly conceals it with a smile.

”You weren’t in chemistry yesterday, so I thought I’d give you the homework”, she explains, correcting her glasses. She pushes a pile of papers into Evan’s arm who immediately sighs, because that’s so much work and he has to do it by the end of the day, he’ll never make it, and then he’ll get detention.

”T-thanks?” Evan mutters, ”I would’ve been in trouble if y-you hadn’t done this”

Alana smiles a little smugly. ”I know”, she chuckles, ”I had to go fetch those for you from the teachers’ office”

Evan has no idea why Alana would do that for him out of all people. Maybe it’s because he’s trying to get extra credit for his college applications. Alana Beck, did god knows how many hours of community service and is easily one of the best students in her class, if not in her school. Also she helped a pathetic human mess called Evan Hansen with his homework that one time.

He laughs shortly at the thought. Alana shoots him a weird look.

”Alright, I have to go now. I have a meeting with the student council before class”, she says, giving Evan a small nod.

”Oh, umm, yes! Of course! Thank you, you didn’t need to do this. T-thanks”, Evan stutters out, but Alana is already gone.

 

He knows that something is up when Alana approaches him again in a few hours. It’s clear that she wants to ask Evan something, which is enough to make his stomach clench.

”H-hi”, Evan stutters at her as soon as she’s on a hearing distance. She smiles shortly.

”Hey”, she greets back, fixing her glasses, ”Would you like to come to lunch with me?”

Evan tilts his head. He hadn’t realized it was lunch break. That’s what happens when he avoids the school cafeteria like the plague and rarely even eats lunch. His mom would kill him if she knew. Evan already skipped breakfast and dinner more than he probably should.

”W-works for me”, says Evan, even though it doesn’t work for him at all. The cafeteria is always too loud, too full, and too noisy. Too smelly as well. The food smells even worse than what it tastes like. 

He regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, but he couldn’t have said no either. Alana would have hated him. 

Alana smiles again. Evan can feel the knot forming in his stomach as they walk inside the cafeteria, walking past dozens of loud students. He knows that they’re not looking at him, they’re all too busy pushing the food around their tray and chatting with their friends, but he can still feel imaginary eyes staring holes into his back. 

What if people are staring, but just from the behind?

Evan begins to turn around, but quickly stops himself. It would just look weird.

But I have to check. What if someone is staring? What if my shirt is dirty? What if-

They stop at a small table, and Alana asks him to wait for her so she can go get her lunch. Evan sits in the chair, movements monotone. He has nothing else to do, so he waits.

He stares at the scratch in the table. He has no idea why Alana wanted him here. She needs something, that much is sure. That’s probably why she has been so nice today. What had Evan even been thinking? People don’t just act nice around him without expecting something from him.

Connor does, a voice inside his head reminds him.

Connor has also pushed him twice. He probably only acts decent around Evan out of guilt, or maybe he thinks he owes Evan something for what happened at the orchard. Or maybe he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do something nice, Evan will off himself, and then Connor would have to live with that on his conscience.

Evan rubs at the small bruise on his arm. He doesn’t know if it’s from the first time Connor pushed him or from yesterday. He doesn’t seem to be too afraid that his actions could make Evan do something. Hell, he’d probably be happy to know that he doesn’t have to sign a pathetic loser’s cast out of guilt again.

The shouts and the talking are starting to melt together into an unpleasant voice, making his ears ring. He’s sure that if he tried moving his fingers, he couldn’t do it. His breaths are short and shallow.

A loud thud interrupts his thoughts. He knows the sound of a tray hitting the table can’t be that loud, but it still feels like someone shot a gun right next to his head.

Alana sits down, looking at Evan with a waiting expression, like it was his idea to come into the cafeteria and talk to her. She stares at Evan while shoveling small forkfuls of corn into her mouth. She doesn’t ask if Evan wants to go get food as well. Not that he wants to, but it sends a spark of anger through him.

Finally Alana breaks the awkward silence. ”So, how has your year started?”

Evan almost wants to laugh.

Oh, so well. I’ve only been at school for a few days, but I already almost offed myself. My family ”friend” won’t speak to me because I tried to defend the one person who has even an idea of how fucked up I am. That said person got angry at me because I told him that he shouldn’t pick fights with people. And right now I’m in this stupid cafeteria making awkward small talk with you while trying not to get an anxiety attack. I’m doing just fine.

Expect that Evan doesn’t say that. ”Uhh, fine”, he whispers a bit too harshly, ”You?”

Alana frowns, probably about to rant about all the extra homework she has already done, when she’s interrupted. 

Just as Evan thought it couldn’t be worse, Zoe sits at the table, next to Alana. She glances at Evan with a confused look on her face.

”I didn’t know you had lunch at the same time as us”, she says.

Evan’s face feels like it’s on fire. ”I did. Know that w-we have lunch at the same time, I mean. N-not that I have memorized your entire timetable or something. That would be creepy. Just. That. I’ve seen you around”, he rambles, laughing nervously at the end.

Zoe grimaces slightly. ”Right”

Has Evan been shaking this badly the whole time?

There’s a short silence before Alana speaks. ”I was just about to ask Evan if he wanted to joint the student council”

”That’s great”, says Zoe, clearly faking the enthusiasm in her voice. Alana beams, not noticing. Evan’s sure that everything is getting blurry.

”I-I don’t think that, that I can”, Evan whispers. He feels like throwing up.

”Why not?” asks Alana, clearly disappointed.

”I d-don’t have the time. Sorry” It’s a lie. Evan has nothing but time. He does absolutely nothing with his life. He’s completely useless and-

”But you’re not in any extra curriculars! Just think about it. You’d be a great addition to the council”, Alana exclaims.

”I’m- I’m not too good with people” Evan tries to laugh, but it comes off as a broken, high pitched sound. 

Alana shakes her head. ”You could learn”

Zoe’s been staring at Evan with a pitiful expression for the whole conversation. Evan wants nothing more than to disappear, to scream at Zoe to stop staring. She glances at Evan’s cast.

Oh my god. What if the pitiful looks she keeps giving him are a sign of that she knows? Evan knows that she and Connor don’t have the best relationship, but what if Connor told her about what almost happened at the orchard. She knows. Evan is sure that the hint of a smile on her face means something. Does she find it funny that the weird, sweaty kid would try something so pathetic?

Alana is looking at him too. What if she knows? What if everyone knows? Someone’s laughter gets through the buzzing in his head, loud and clear. They’re laughing at him. They know.

Evan jumps up, shaking. He can’t breathe. He actually can’t breathe.

”I have to go. The food isn’t settling too well” His voice doesn’t sound like that. Evan wants to scream at how strained and cold the words sound, how distant his own hands feel.

”But you didn’t eat anything!”

He’s out of the cafeteria, out of the school, in a few seconds.

 

It’s obviously been raining outside, Evan thinks as he runs out of the doors into the front yard. It smells like it. Not like the clean, refreshing smell that Evan loves, but like the musty and heavy air that Evan thinks smells like worms.

He takes a deep breath. And another. In for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight. Evan starts walking over to the football station with wobbly legs, still doing the breathing exercise. He decides it’s the best place to hide for now.

Okay, five things you can see. Four things you can hear. Or was it four things you can touch? How many things does he have to name that he can smell? Evan’s feeling more panicky again.

Whatever.

He can see his off brand sneakers hitting the ground, and he can hear the sand crunching under them. He can smell the musty air. He sees the football station, and to be more specific, the long rows of benches. Evan can hear his own breathing, he can see his own shaking hands, and he can touch the fabric of his clothes. He twiddles the hem of his shirt between his fingers. Shaking, he throws himself on the edge of the bench, placing his head between his knees.

”What the shit, Hansen?”

Evan jerks his head back up to find Connor Murphy of all people standing in front of him. He tries to say something, but his mouth feels dry. The words die in his throat.

He wipes the tears from his face with the back of his hand. Huh. He hadn’t noticed he was crying.

”I asked you a question. What the shit, Hansen?” repeats Connor, shoving his hands into his pockets. He doesn’t look particularly angry. Just annoyed like always.

Evan gets up, finding it hard to breathe again. ”S-sorry. I didn’t, uh, know you were here. I’ll leave I’msosorry-”

Connor pushes Evan slightly with his hand to stop him from walking away. Evan winces slightly, looking down at Connor’s hand, then at his face. There are bags under his blood shot eyes. Against his pale skin, it almost looks like someone swiper charcoal under his eyes with their thumb.

”Jesus, calm down”, Connor spits out, pulling his hand back, ”You can stay. I’m not going to like, kill you”

Maybe it’s the way that Evan is staring at Connor with a terrified look in his eyes or the way that every single muscle in his body is tense, but Connor’s eyes widen and his mouth is pressed into a thin line.

”Stop looking at me like I’m going to fucking attack you”, he snaps harshly. His voice sounds gravelly.

”You’ve- you’ve done that. Twice. Uh. Kind of?” Evan says quietly and immediately regrets it. He’s expecting Connor to shove him for the third time or at least scream at him, but instead he just gives Evan a surprised look.

”Oh, yeah”, Connor says like he actually didn’t remember it. He seems calm. A bit too calm.

Evan fidgets with his fingers, nervously. ”Are you- are you high?”

”On life”, responds Connor with a deadpan and does a lazy gesture with his hands that Evan assumes is meant to be finger guns. He isn’t sure if he should laugh or cry.

Evan just blinks. He isn’t crying and shaking anymore, but instead he feels nervous. He is always nervous, though.

He wants to leave, but he doesn’t. Partly because he’s curious and partly because he’s afraid that Connor will get mad at him if he leaves, and so he stands in place so still that he could easily be a statue.

”I already told you to stop looking at me that way. If you’re that fucking scared, you can leave, you know?” Connor says flatly, but there’s a cold undertone in his voice. That kind of cold that means he could explode at any moment.

”I’m, I’m not-”

Connor groans. ”I thought you were just dying to be friends with the school shooter”

Evan flinches. Maybe he was. But is he now? Isn’t Connor exactly what he told Evan he was? A bomb that could blow up at any moment. By this far, he’s only been nice to Evan when he’s high.

Expect for that time he gave Evan his number. He wasn’t high then.

But then again, who else does Evan have to talk with? Besides, Connor isn’t too bad all the time.

”If it gets that kicked puppy look out of your face, maybe I shouldn’t have done it. I guess. Pushed you, I mean. It was all fucking Kleinman’s fault. Mostly”, Connor suddenly grits through his teeth. His voice sounds strained and colder than before, but at least he’s regretting it. Sort of.

Evan feels like he should choose his next words carefully, but instead he just blurts out a bunch of apologies. Connor’s expression hardens. He nods, fists clenched. Evan doesn’t know what he did wrong, but Connor really doesn’t seem to be too delighted.

”You should go”

Evan frowns, anxiety pooling in his stomach. ”I, uhh, what?”

Connor stares at him. ”I’m not telling you to go because I’m going to start throwing shit soon. I’m telling you to go because I assume you don’t want to miss class”, he snarls, but there’s a hint of a smile in his face.

”Oh”, says Evan, blushing, ”Right”

He turns around, looking at Connor. ”You’re, uh, skipping c-class?”

Connor chuckles bitterly. ”If you know me at all, you know that I skip most classes. One class a day to keep the teacher away, or some shit like that”

Evan offers him a small smile. ”You’re not too bad w-when you’re not angry at me”

For a second he wonders if he said the wrong thing. He wants to punch himself. His hands begin to shake again as Connor’s face freezes and his eyes widen, but suddenly his angry frown melts into a crooked smirk.

The thing is that Evan Hansen really doesn’t know Connor Murphy at all.

And maybe’s he crazy or maybe he masochistic, but he kind of wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god knows i have a terrible writer's block. like,, i actually can't write at all?? i stg this fic has no plot whatsoever
> 
> leave a comment and i'll probably cry from happiness!


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